Seeing red
by sophiesaurus1
Summary: After an argument, Beca deals with her frustration in the only way she can. Trigger warning for self harm. (Story currently on hiatus)
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: seeing as many people ignore descriptions, here's a final warning. This story contains graphical descriptions of self harm. Do not read if you are sensitive to the subject.**

Beca stormed down the corridor, Chloe's apologetic cries fading to nothing more than echoes as her attention turned to the gut wrenching numbness she felt.  
Door locked and drapes drawn, Beca led on her bed in a crumpled heap, fighting the shadowed voices that plagued her thoughts.  
_'You're not good enough'  
_Beca's hands clamped on her ears.  
_'You messed up'  
_Her face screwed up in refusal to let the frustrated tears fall  
_'Chloe doesn't love you'_  
She bolted upright as she succumbed to the teasing from her mind.  
Beca reached for a small tin she kept at her bedside. It was un-opened for 3 months; 3 months of fighting battles and raging war against her depression.  
Slowly, she clicked it opened and held it in her hands for a moment, unsure if the consequences were worth the satisfaction.

Tentatively she picked a razor blade and held it parallel to the skin of her forearm, tracing a line. The brush of the blade sent a shiver down Beca's spine; oh how she missed the control she gained from the small piece of metal.  
She applied a medium pressure to the blade, preparing the attack on herself but was interrupted by a disruptive banging on her door.  
"Beca, please open up! I'm really sorry, I don't want to argue! I didn't mean what I said." Pleaded a voice from the other side.  
"Go away Chloe, I don't want to talk!" Beca yelled back as she readied herself again.  
"But I love you and it's my responsibility to care for you!" The determined redhead was not going to give in.  
"How can you care for me when all I do is hurt you!" Beca's growled. In her frustration she dragged the razor across her arm, causing a red trail to open after it. At first no pain appeared but it began to seep in moments later. Beca's teeth gritted; she took in a sharp breath as tears threatened to fall.  
Already in too deep, Beca furiously slashed away at her forearm.

"Fuck recovery." She muttered as the drops of blood congealed on her skin.  
"Fuck this school." Another cut, deeper than the rest  
"More importantly, fuck everything!" With a final swipe, Beca's arm became no more than a sea of red and lines.  
She fell to the side and watched as her butchered appendage dripped with blood, the distinct feeling of relief coursed through her veins.

On the other side of the door, Chloe had heard the carnage from within the room. Panic stricken, she rummaged through her purse trying to find the spare key Beca had entrusted with her months ago. She had never needed it before and suddenly when she did it was nowhere to be found.  
After what felt like hours, the redhead finally located it and with shaking hands, opened the door.  
She swung it open and her eyes were instantly drawn to the increasing red stain on Beca's bed.

Chloe feared the worse. "Oh Beca" She sobbed, physically unable to move from shock.  
The brunette's eyes darted to the doorway of which she didn't notice had opened.  
"Chloe?!" She questioned, her voice laced with agony. She pulled the sheets over her bloody arm, concealing the cuts but the damage had already been done.  
Chloe slapped herself as she forced her legs to travel towards her troubled girlfriend, tears pouring from her dainty blue eyes. Beca sat with her muscles tensed as Chloe pulled back the material that covered the self-mutilation. She gasped as the full extent of Beca's struggle. She tried to look into Beca's dulled eyes but the brunette averted her gaze.  
"Chloe, I-"She began, though was cut off as Chloe's arms wrapped around her and squeezed tightly.  
"I'm so sorry Beca." The redhead whimpered into the younger girl's ear. "So sorry I made you go to this extent. Please, just give me the blade."  
"I-I can't!" Beca whispered. She wasn't ready to give up the power she had only just regained after 3 months but Chloe's very soul sounded as if it was about to break and it made Beca weak. The only thing that made Beca feel weaker than the fighting that started her relapse was the sound of her partners usually cheerful demeanour break down into desperation.  
"Please!"  
Hesitantly, Beca placed the razor into her girlfriend's pocket. She was tempted to take it back but she knew that recovery was the only right option; the other was suicide but there was no way Beca could put Chloe through that, not now.  
"Thank you." Chloe sobbed. She broke away and gingerly grabbed the side of Beca's arm that was unaffected. Using a wet wipe from her purse, Chloe washed away the dried blood which revealed the criss-cross pattern of red cuts underneath.  
Without skipping a beat, she leaned down and gently kissed each of them before she slid Beca's sleeve down to cover them.  
The brunette only watched in awe as her girlfriend adapted easily to the situation before her. The voices had been wrong and Chloe was proof of that.  
"I love you Beca, and I don't want to walk into your room one day and find you dead because you cut too deep." The words had a harsh effect and effectively cut deep into Beca's mind.  
"I know, I'm sorry. I will recover, I promise. I'll do it for you… I'd do anything for you Chloe." She smiled sheepishly at the redhead.  
"And I'd do anything for you. I refuse to let you go through this alone. We'll fight this. Together." The older woman took Beca's hand.  
Their eyes locked; everything that needed to be said had been spoken. Words were meaningless as their lips did the talking for them. They kissed passionately; confident in the fact that the road to recovery was accessible and furthermore already being travelled.


	2. Chapter 2

Within a few days, Beca's fresh cuts had begun to heal over and though unsightly, Chloe never missed the chance to tend to them. Every day she'd put fresh dressing on them and re-iterate how proud she was of Beca. The girls had manage to convince everyone that Beca got clipped by a speeding cyclist and that her arm took most of the damage; it seemed logical and everyone went along with it.  
In a way, Beca was kind of glad that Chloe had found out about her depression because it meant she got the help and attention that she was too afraid to get for herself.  
The problem was, an addiction is still an addiction and Beca still self-harmed in any way she could whilst still being discrete; a few cuts to the hip, the odd burn on her fingertips, even consistently hitting herself just to watch a deep purple bruise form.  
The self-harm binges she went on lead to sleepless nights and sleep deprivation soon set in for the brunette, but she didn't care. She had loss care for everything except for Chloe and she felt ashamed to be hiding everything from the one person she should be open with the most.

Recently, the blade went deeper, the flame was hotter and the hits were harder.

* * *

Beca leaned back in her desk chair, sighing with contentment as the pain coursed through her body. She dropped the small shard of metal to the floor as she let the adrenaline mixed with her poisonous thoughts consume her.  
The brunette rode out the small high for a moment before hastily grabbing a tissue to stop the bleeding from her hip. The scarred skin was becoming too much for Beca to cut through anymore and soon she'd have to begin finding other places to use.  
She chastised herself for even considering it but self-mutilation had become the only outlet where she could fully show how much frustration her tiny frame held. Making mixes helped, but there wasn't a physical imprint of the struggle that went into it; it was all just digital, almost non-existent.

She grabbed her phone to check the time; 7:50. Bella rehearsals started in 10 minutes. Beca searched around her room for a band aid but there weren't any so she risked it and went without; there wasn't enough blood to leak through her clothing anyway.  
The DJ walked briskly to the auditorium where they rehearsed, the searing pain just beginning to kick In as Aubrey made her entrance and started instructing the group on what the plan was for today.  
"Hey…uh, Aubrey, my arm isn't feeling too good today, so can I take it easy?" Beca asked innocently in attempt to not draw any attention. Aubrey smiled sympathetically "Sure thing Beca, just make sure you don't fall behind on choreography."  
The brunette nodded "Okay, I'll just stand and make gestures." Aubrey seemed approving of this and just nodded before she walked away.

10 minutes later, Chloe rushed in looking flustered and worried. When she spotted Beca she ran up to her and held her tight.  
"Beca, where were you? I was supposed to come over and change the dressings on your cuts…" She whispered to the brunette in an undertone.  
Beca shrugged "They're fine for today. I mean…I felt fine, so I just went straight to rehearsal."  
Chloe sighed with relief "I thought you'd done something crazy" She pecked Beca on the cheek "Next time just text me, okay?"

"Hey, what're you talking about, cuts?" Amy yelled from across the room. "Don't try and get past me, I'm the best listener in Tasmania with hair." She said with triumph in her voice.  
"Nothing Amy, you know Beca got clipped by that cyclist." The redhead reasoned as she crossed her arms to show authority.  
"Calm down red, we remember; Amy was just messing wit' you" Cynthia-rose pointed out with a smirk.  
"Oh…" Chloe said as she blushed with embarrassment. "I knew that…" She let out a forced giggle "Very funny Amy."  
"Yeah, hilarious." Beca deadpanned.

"Okay ladies, it's time to get to work!" Aubrey declared as she directed the tired group of girls into formation. They semi-automatically performed the set though it didn't run smoothly due to Beca's slow and lethargic movements. She bumped into Stacie multiple times and couldn't keep up with any of the dancing.  
Aubrey eventually pulled her to the side; the strain in her voice to not yell was clearly evident. "Beca, what are you doing?!" The blonde hissed "you said you'd try and you don't seem to be trying at all"  
Beca pinched the bridge of her nose and scrunched her eyes shut. "I-I'm sorry Aubrey, I don't feel too good. I'm gonna go sit down." Aubrey could sense there was a problem but her instinct told her to let it go "Alright, start rehearsing again when you can."  
Beca rubbed her eyes as she made her way to the seats. Everything turned hazy for a moment and suddenly Beca was aware of the floor being in contact with her face and a dull ache that resonated through her skull. She looked to the side to see her worried group members rushing over but drifted off as her exhausted body became sensually overwhelmed.

When she awoke 5 minutes later, the entire room was silent. Chloe helped Beca onto a chair but said nothing in the process.  
"What's the big deal, nerds? I collapsed, it's happens when people are tired." Beca uttered with a shrug. Cynthia-rose clasped her hands together and sat adjacent to the brunette. It seemed she had been the one made chosen by everyone else to talk.  
"Listen, Beca, stop pretending you're okay. We saw the…" She gestured, trying to find the correct word. "Er…wounds on your sides. Your shirt sort of came up when you fell. Chloe pulled it down but we all saw." She touched Beca's arm in attempt to be sympathetic but it only made Beca wince with pain. Hastily the other Bella pulled her hand back and sighed. "We're worried about you." All the girls murmured in agreement.

Beca turned defensive. "I'm completely fine, guys. Seriously, there's nothing wrong with me." She spat out. She rose from her chair and turned to leave. Chloe grabbed her arm and pulled her back, saying "No you're not Bec, you need help."  
Beca jolted her arm free from the grip "I don't need help!" She yelled as she ran out of the room.  
She walk across the quad, toward her dorm, promising this time to not hold back.  
'_You don't need them Beca'_  
Her pace quickened.  
_'They've turned against you'  
_The brunette sprinted to her room.  
_'They don't need you'_

Sat on her beside, she gripped her makeshift blade in her hand, floating it above a major artery.  
_'Do it'_  
It edged closer.  
_'Pathetic'_  
It rested on her skin.  
_'You couldn't do it. You're scared._'  
The voice teased her mercilessly. It was right though, Beca couldn't do it. She dropped the blade and fell to the floor, curled up in a ball. She wanted to be invisible or not exist at all but here she was; in her dorm room of a college she didn't want to be at, almost committing suicide.  
The brunette cried through her frustration, not even flinching when the door opened and Chloe once again became the saviour. As if it was second nature, the redhead nurtured the broken girl until she uncurled and sat up.  
"Why do you even love me?" Beca questioned, her voice croaky and sore.  
Without skipping a beat, Chloe replied "Because you're amazing, Beca. You're beautiful and bright and so many uplifting things that you can't see. But I do, because I can see past your tough exterior that puts so many people off. A broken little spirit that I want to bring back to life…"  
Beca blinked back the tears as Chloe's soothing voice touched her deeply "thank you." She whimpered. "…you were right. I need help and I'm going to get it and this time I'm serious. I love you Chloe."  
The two kissed, but it was short lived. Beca still felt weak and her eye lids were drooping from her will to sleep.

Chloe hoisted her girlfriend into bed and snuggled up beside her. She stroked Beca's hair whilst she got some much needed rest. Since it was mid-morning Chloe was wide away but she refused herself to leave. She couldn't in simple fear of Beca doing something incredibly stupid.  
She texted Aubrey "_can't come back. Helping Beca xo'_  
the quick reply shocked Chloe for a moment but realised soon after that the rest of the Bellas were probably on eggshells trying to find out about Beca's conditions. The text read _'Stay strong xo'_  
And that's what Chloe did.  
Not for herself, but for Beca.


End file.
